yuletide 2008

12:36am, australian standard time, 25 december 2008

after a noche buena feast of lobsters, pineapple chicken, macaroni salad and some cherries and grapes,



sending my warmest yuletide greetings to the cosmos. shout back at me.

(and happy 2nd month, lilly sweetheart.)

because a girl can dream...

i want ALL for christmas!!


i tenchu. bow.

the lei-test

i update.

real friends always find their way back to each other, despite years of separation. tin came over from sydney in spite of a promise i made to her a couple of years back that i will visit her first (which she pointedly mentioned in every chance she got, naturally). aangal-angal pa, eh namiss din naman ako. we had dinner in a seafood restaurant in st kilda one rainy summer evening. sa kakamadali, we got an infringement notice. who would think that there would be pay parking in a residential area? i guess tin, now we're even.

1 lei and tin in a flattering angle
2 ciggy and mrs ciggy with post-baby bellies (yes, both of us)
3 the aforementioned parking ticket

we spent one afternoon together in mornington after that dinner, and we came up with a business idea. hopefully no one procrastinates so we can set our venture into motion. i promise to start making that marketing plan. next year. lol. cut me a bit of slack, motherhood is a 24/7 job.

my daughter loves her, and it was a reciprocal relationship. they have something in common, they both wanted to hear 'beautiful' and their names used in the same sentence.

tin and lilly (bagay! i will find you your hot vampire in a silver volvo soon)

*****

lilly had her first visit to her physio last week. all went well. posting pictures for my mum's benefit.

*****

haven't done any christmas shopping yet. i put my hand over my mouth in disbelief too, just so you know. as i said, motherhood is a full-time job. besides, i work better under pressure. 23rd. that's my shopping day.

my christmas wishlist is ready though. but that deserves an altogether separate entry. just in case my husband misses the list stuck on the fridge door, i am certain he reads my blog. this way, he has no excuse. i noticed his list got a tad bit longer with items for winter. talk about planning ahead.

*****

and in the event that we fail to call/message/email you on christmas day, here goes our holiday greetings: from our family to yours, merry christmas!


be good. santa remembers.

*****

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more?

Dr. Seuss

summer = christmas

it's summer!!!! really. proof, you say? here it is:

(peaches, nectarines, apricots, strawberries, cherries, raspberries and blueberries)

the warm weather heralds sale of these luscious summer fruits in the supermarkets. got these goodies at coles yesterday.

it takes a bit of getting used to, reconciling heat and sunshine with the christmas season. but yeah, it is almost christmas. i already made my wishlist. (it's on the fridge, i hope my husband reads this. lol.)

seriously though, i must've been a really good girl. santa brought my present two months early. and the best things come in small packages.

and finally, lilly

it was a monday when the doctors told me that i will probably have the baby within the week. i thought it was going to be on the weekend, just in time for mom's arrival from the philippines. i thought wrong.

they started on me on wednesday, which was, incidentally the last time i got to brush my teeth that week. i was wheeled into a birthing suite then the doctor inserted a tampon-like object to dilate the cervix. my body's ultimatum was twelve hours to achieve this.

thursday, they checked my progress. and i was 2cms dilated. great. step two was to manually break my waters. my doctor had a hook-like thing on her finger and she used that to literally pop baby's waterbag. this procedure is so cruel and gory i don't wanna elaborate. but soon as i felt the bag break (so this is how incontinence feels), the contractions began.

oh horrid horrid pain! i don't have the words to describe it. srsly.

three hours into the labour, i begged for an epidural. my midwife explained to me that normally women take steps in pain management, and an epidural was normally the last option. steps schmeps. i wanted that epidural. stat! 

had i known it was that scary, i probably would have had second thoughts about it. good thing i didn't see the needle they inserted in my spine.

i had a ctg monitor strapped on me (this is a machine that monitors baby's heartbeat, movements and the contractions) and minutes after the spinal tap, the contractions worsened, but the pain was gone. i drifted in and out of consciousness.

i was in labour for a total of eight hours, and baby's heartbeat began slowing down with the contractions. the doctors then decided to give me an emergency c-section. more drugs, more high blood pressure medication, more drips, more confusion. two levels down, the operating theatre was being prepared for me, seigfred and lilly. 

at twelve:forty-nine in the morning, lilly soleil dequito was born.  

she is 8 weeks early, tiny at 1440grams, long at 42cms. everybody was pleased with the operation. i didn't lose a lot of blood, and lilly's apgar scores were 9 (at 1 minute) and 9 (at 5 minutes). everything was fine. i only saw her for a few seconds though because they had to bring her to the special care nursery just to make sure that she is given the best care possible, they brought her near for me to give her a quick kiss while they were placing my innards back in and sewing me close. then the baby doctors asked seigfred to come with them to the nursery.

the last thing i remembered was a nurse talking to someone about preparing my room while i was in recovery. and i fell asleep.

the past months have been very gruelling, to say the least. i thought the previous night's ordeal was the climax. i was, again, wrong. i woke up seeing a paediatrician beside me, trying to rouse some consciousness in my hard-beaten, swollen, drugged, tattered body. 

"i'm sorry to tell you that your baby is very sick," were his first words. "she has developed respiratory distress syndrome and she needs some surfactant but we cannot administer it yet because her lungs are bleeding." i was numb, body and emotions. and i could only muster a very stereotypical response, "please do everything you can."

i wanted to rush to the nicu but i was unable to get up from bed because i was still chained to machines. and i was starting to become painfully aware of my wound. the anaesthesia was wearing off. seigfred was asleep on a mattress on the floor, and i asked him to see what was going on with lilly. he returned an hour later, and he broke down. it was my first time to see my husband cry like that. with the strength of character he has demonstrated all the years i have known him, it only took an hour with his daughter to break him. my heart broke as well, i was very scared, but i did not allow myself to fall. i had to give him back some of the strength he has given me, i owe him that. we were praying the whole day, and waiting. it was the longest and most painful wait of my life.

i was off the oxygen tubes and iv drips and whatnots the following day. my mom and cousin have arrived from the philippines and we were on our way to the nicu to see my little baby. and perhaps the hardest part for me was being unprepared to see my most valuable treasure like this, after seeing her healthy and screaming two nights before:

she was on a respirator and had an umbilical line, an iv drip, an oxyen saturation monitor and heartrate/respiratory rate/pulse rate monitor on her. she was also on antibiotics, as a preventive measure for potential infection, being born small and early. the broken pieces of my heart from yesterday's incident broke even more. i felt so helpless. but hopeful.

three days after, i was allowed my first cuddle, kangaroo care, skin to skin. it was a painfully beautiful experience. she still had all those tubes in her, but i was told it was good for her respiration, digestion and overall development. she was off the respirator a couple of days after but she still had a nasal-gastic tube in her nose for feeding. i was expressing breastmilk manually to give to her.

she was transferred to the special care nursery a week after birth, because my little fighter was doing so well. we were establishing breastfeeding during this time, and we were only waiting for her to gain reasonable weight and to attach well to mommy's breasts for her meals.

meanwhile, daddy is excited with the prospect of bringing her to our new home. 

 

after assembling lilly's pram

 

preparing lilly's cot

 

her first christmas tree

three magical days and two sleepless nights ago, we finally brought her home. yesterday a domiciliary nurse came in to check on her and she has gained a whopping 55grams on the two days since she was sent home. we can finally spend as much time with or little miracle as we want, and hold her till our arms ache. she's done well, our little lilly soleil, our sunshine, our princess, our early christmas gift.

daddy's precious cargo, in the hospital lobby before discharge

 

strapped to her car capsule, on her first car ride home

mama lyn and bulillyt

 

daddy's little girl

we love you, bubba.

Updates

Hey guys we are too busy right now so just drop by my blog for updates! :)

The latest on my pregnancy

“id rather that my placenta go to research than in a tub of face cream,” i said to joanne, a researcher at monash university, while signing the consent form. a weak stab at humour from a sick lady who just had a gruelling ordeal in two hospitals the previous night.
that was twenty-four days ago.

i have long since cleared my meagre shelf of the bouquets of flowers visitors have brought me. unlike me, they don’t have enough motivation to be steadfast and unwavering. after a brief display of colour and joy, they wilt and die. maybe that’s why not all flowers are mums. harhar. staying in hospital has turned my brain into the kind of bland mashed potato they keep feeding me day in and day out.

i shall narrate a story. of how i ended up almost chained to a mechanical bed, with bad tv and worse food, being a human pin cushion and drugged to the point of oblivion --- all of which are literally keeping me alive.

once upon a time, i fell in love. and following the natural course of things, got married, and fell pregnant. for the first time in my life, i followed everything by the book. soon as i found out that i was growing a baby, cell by cell, in my body. and for the first time in my life, i never had it this hard since day one.

during the first four months of pregnancy, i had very bad morning sickness to the point that i was unable to eat or drink anything. i got really acquainted with our bathroom sink, spending seven to ten times a day with my head buried down the drain. my specialist placed me on medication; phenergan suppositories stuck up my behind and maxolon to keep nausea at bay.
I started to enjoy food on the following month but towards the end of the fifth month, i had an ear, nose and throat infection. i lost my voice and couldn’t go to work; i was on medication again, alphamox, to which, i just found out, i was allergic, developing rashes all over my back. i recovered though, but not without sprouting another problem. my upper wisdom teeth started to become impacted and hurt really bad. at risk of developing a gum infection which can lead to further complications, my dentist recommended extraction, which cannot be performed because i couldn’t be xrayed. as a preventive cure for infection, i was put on antibiotics again. hello, rashes.

and on my seventh month, that fateful day, i got rushed to monash medical centre, a tertiary hospital. seigfred and i went shopping the whole day. we went to springvale for our usual Sunday market-ing and then to southland and rewarded ourselves with a nifty Nikon d90 and an asus m51va. went home, was really tired, but started tinkering with our new toys when i felt that i had to beg to be taken to the hospital.

next thing i know, i was strapped to a gurney, had an iv drip and another drug on my left arm and magnesium sulphate on my right, and was carted into an ambulance that took me from frankston hospital to monash medical centre at top notch speed, lights, sirens and all. kewl. if only i wasn’t feeling the slight tremors racking my body, and fearing for my baby’s life.
and now here i am, twenty-four days in. trying to be strong and resilient despite feeling bloated, crappy, achy and sluggish all day. still on medication: labetalol 200 mg four times a day, nifedipine] 30 slow release twice a day, novorapid six units pre-breakfast and two units pre-dinner and panadol 500mg as needed. my regimen consists of: 2-hourly blood pressure checks, daily blood tests (3 phials/test), twice weekly 12-hour urine collection, weekly growth scans for the baby, weekly placental fluid scan, daily CTGs and five times/day self-mutilation to check my blood sugar level. this is what keeps me busy.

but it’s not really as bad as it sounds. i have a good obstetrics team looking after me, and an endocrinologist comes in daily as well to keep track of my progress with my sugars. the nurses and midwives have been great, and ive made acquaintances as well. impossible though to harbour a real relationship with other patients, as they’re mostly transient. the neonatal team has also already spoken to me and we have been told that we were in the best hospital for my condition in melbourne.

what exactly is it im sick of? preeclampsia and gestational diabetes. my husband has diligently talked about it in his blog.

meanwhile, on the other side of town, the poor bloke does all the work. he makes the money, does the cooking, the laundry, the shopping, the taking care of me and endless hours of driving. home-work-hospital-home. mind you, we’re talking around 100kms of driving a day. we’re thankful though that this has happened; God has been really good to us.

we have been blessed with a little bundle of joy, still cooking in my belly; we have good jobs; a car; family and friends; much love and we’ve moved in to a new home! look:



.
in my previous entry, the doctors wanted us to go for 30 weeks. Tomorrow, we are turning 32 weeks. Thank you for all your prayers. Although my condition is progressing, we have come this far. The doctors are pleased and they are talking about probably delivering the baby in a matter of days. We are excited. And we are certain that even though the little diva is eight weeks early, she’s going to be okay.

.. faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Heb 11:1

Notes on Pre-eclampsia

Hi guys. Seigfred here. Just drop by my blog for updates regarding lei and baby lilly. I wanted to post a picture of her but she wouldn't let me. Maybe tomorrow if she's feeling pretty. Don't stop praying. :)

the journey so far..

posting using seigfred's imate jasjam, 2054 australian eastern standard time, monash medical centre, clayton, victoria, australia.

we need your prayers.

about a week ago I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. which could have been easily controlled by diet.

just when I was about to get endorsed to a specialised pregnancy dietitian, I have been diagnosed with high blood pressure which subsequently developed into preeclampsia.

sunday night I was rushed here in Monash Medical Centre via ambulance from frankston hospital. that was the cool part. the rest was very traumatic not only for me, the baby, but for my husband as well.

I had about three lines running through my veins--- saline for hydration, magnesium sulfate to preventme from having seizures and another drug to control my bood pressure from hitting the roof. I was considered a high risk preeclamptic patient.

overnight I had those drugs, in addition to oral medication. my kidneys were also starting to malfunction and I was given doses of steroids to help bubba's lungs mature just in case the need to deliver arose.

I am now on my third day in hospital, and taking it one day at a time. the doctors reckon I will definitely have to deliver preterm, the only question is when and how long I can keep the baby cooking in my belly without unnecessary risk to me.

currently I am 28weeks6days pregnant, I'm hitting week 29 tomorrow. each new day is a blessing. we're aiming for 30weeks.

I will be in hospital for as long as it takes, as the doctors don't want to send me home anymore.

your prayers helped us conceive. your prayers will definitely help us see this through.

all our love,
lei, seigfred and baby lilly soleil.

baby steps: the journey to yummyhood. entry # 6

it's been a while...

i've witnessed a lot of changes and since i still don't have the creative mojo to write, i shall document in bullets. game?

* winter has finally succumbed to spring. thank God i wouldn't have to carry the extra weight of thick jackets and woolen boots plus the growing bub inside my belly. melbourne is slowly flaunting its spring colors and the outside world doesn't look really dreary anymore. spring is love! i can finally take walks outside. (i know i don't have any excuse not to anymore)

* my belly has grown big. bigger. at first i was unhappy seeing three stretch marks on the left side of my bellybutton; but now with hundreds of them, i am forced not to care anymore. body butter didn't help. i'm just hoping that these pregnancy battle scars will slowly fade after the delivery so i can still wear two-piece swimwear. funny, i have stretch marks even on my breasts. haha. i am so laughing.

* my toes have become so alien to me. first of all, i can no longer see my toes when i look down from a standing position. next, i couldn't cut them myself as the belly gets in the way; flexibility is a thing of the past. and i haven't painted them in months. two days ago, they started evolving into vienna sausages --- i am starting to retain water and swell up. and speaking of swelling, we have just returned home from the jewelers. it broke my heart that they had to cut off my wedding band as i couldn't take it off anymore. we have tried all sorts of home remedies just to remove it, from slathering petroleum jelly to spraying on windex, to winding a string around my finger to just plain yanking. all i ended up having was a sore purple ring finger. and a frustrated bub kicking me in the guts. i didn't want to have it cut, because symbolically, it is my marriage we're talking about here. but better a cut ring than a cut finger, i guess.

* i have become so alien to me. i don't know what it is but i have become dark-skinned. all of a sudden. not just my armpits and the backside of my neck, (although they look like they've been rubbed with charcoal) but all of me. and i'm not really keen on changing my make-up bases because of this complexion change.

* i failed my first glucose tolerance test. now awaiting results for the 2-hour test i have done last saturday. hopefully, everything turns out okay, otherwise i might have gestational diabetes. which is not good at all. ah, the complications.

sounds like i have done a fair bit of complaining. but really, having this little miracle inside me is one of my greatest joys. having my husband talk lovingly to our daughter everyday through my tummy almost always brings tears to my eyes. thirteen more weeks to go. one more season change. shine, sun, shine. i am almost there.

baby steps: the journey to yummyhood. entry #5.

i knew it. little bub IS a girl.

we welcome name suggestions at this point. tristan wants Una (yoo' nah), and i would've wanted to christen her Psyche (as in Cupid's wife), if not for my mom's extremely violent reaction against the name. so, we'll see.

i really don't have much to say; so i'll just let the photos tell our story.

my belly at 19 weeks and 3 days

pensive

baby girl with mouth open

little bub thumb-sucking

full ultrasound videos follow:

and

i'm halfway there!

bad grammar makes me [sic]

i am lusting after this:

somebody get me one!!!

why it's called a PUBLIC car park

it's been almost 24 hours since, and i'm still seething over the incident that happened in the mall parking lot yesterday.

the sky was a bit overcast with the threat of rain, temperature was about 12 degrees, tristan and i were about to do our usual sunday afternoon grocery-shopping. as we were about to pull up into a parking space near the mall entrance, a lady in the parking slot next to 'ours' had her door open. tristan obviously had to wait for her to shut her door before we can park. and that, she didn't want to do.

when she finally did, i overheard her retort "can't you park somewhere else??" schwingg! that set off alarm bells in my head. i was in a rage.

i got off the car, slammed the door, peered into her window and remarked back "why, aren't we allowed to park here???," with as much incredulity i can muster. i wanted to say more (like "the last time i checked this was a public parking space, you don't own it, we can park anywhere we want to park so why don't you just go home to the slums, you bitch!"), and breathe fire down her throat, had i not caught a glimpse of a toddler in the backseat of her car. say yey for self-restraint.

but still, i had to do something. so i walked up in front of her parked car, took note of her registration plates (just in case she scratches our car or deflates our tires), and stared at her. if only looks could kill. to my sick satisfaction, woman-in-car cannot compete in a stare war against pregnant-fire-breathing-lady. it just irked me that she acted as if we were meek asians who wouldn't stand up against her white superiority notion. oh no. this mayumi descends from a long line of oppressed farmers from the ilocandia region, mixed with warrior ilonggo blood.

or maybe, she just caught me at a bad time, is all.

the month that was

there had been a time when i was taken to calling him barbs, short for barbiturate. good thing the name didn't get stuck. but although him being called barbs had long been dropped, my husband still remains to be my best sedative.

he turned a year older six days ago, and i wanted to give him the world. turned out i couldn't afford the world, so he had to be happy with a whole box of mtg shadowmoor cards and a seafood dinner in a bistro reminiscent of a restaurant gordon ramsay is trying to breathe some life into.

on turning a year older, i did too. and it was spent with family and a few friends over an extremely nice soulfood-laden lunch that my husband lovingly cooked. spending it that way was wonderful and simple, a good way to mark the end of the year that had been; suffice to say that the past year had been one of the most eventful years in my life.

got married twice, got knocked up, traveled to the philippines and back, sidetripped to singapore, supported my partner in his jobhunting endeavors, discovered new places, delighted in new cuisines, watched a lot of movies, took on more responsibilities. grew up. a bit wiser now.

***

but still a kid in a lot of ways.

to my absolute delight, mars snackfood australia has released mint m&m's! and hopefully, it will be produced as a regular option, much like the dark, crispy, peanut and almond.

i remember purchasing bags of the stuff in the philippines, hoarding, as it is only available during christmas or in puregold clark. im stuffing my face with little gems exploding with minty freshness and chocolate goodness right now.

***

im on my fifteenth week and i have started to warm up to the idea of eating food again. i think it's about to be over, the nausea and vomiting. im starting to feel flutters too. the nurse said it may be just gas, but heck, i know my body and i know what gas is.

***

and oh, we celebrated our first wedding's first anniversary a couple of days ago. nothing grand or spectacular, coz we're dirt-poor and saving up for a house that we intend to purchase in a few months' time. we just spent 48 hours together --- no work interruptions, no phone calls, no other concerns. it's just him and me.

the way it's supposed to be.

baby steps: the journey to yummyhood. entry #4

the case of my missing waist has finally been cracked.

i saw my baby for the first time, and fell in love with her. so i really am pregnant, and not just putting on weight around my midsection. yey. tristan took the day off to witness the probing and he held my hand the whole time. there's three of us now.

i was a bit worried that something could be wrong as i was feeling very sick the past couple of months. but the doctor said everything looked to be ok with the baby's development.

baby


hands

the little bean was happily swimming in her warm cocoon when we did the scan. i couldn't help but be a wee bit emotional. a solitary teardrop glided down my right cheek but i was too embarrassed to let the doctor see. it's still too early to tell the gender though, but i feel it's a girl.

i hurdled the first trimester. now i can't wait for what they say is the best part of pregnancy.

*****

tristan might just have been overwhelmed with joy after the scan. so he decided to reward me with three items of sexy lace and silk lingerie.

or was that reward for himself?

really, wtf?

homebound again today. morning sickness has eased up a bit, and i find myself 'grazing' the whole day --- eating everything in sight, in minute quantities but.

spent most of the day in front of the pc, reading stuff about anything and everything. and i came across this:

wtf? this gives me goosebumps everytime i hear it. even if 'pretty-fied', i still find it hair-raising. ahrgh.

cook wins!

america voted david cook as the next ai.

simon told archuleta "it's a knockout."

eh? bleh.

everything

you are the sun, bursting in yellow joy
white heat, into a final fury
of crimson blaze

i am a memory of the moon
a distant remnant of the farthest star
blending into darkness

you are a majestic oak, sturdy
fists punching the white mists of the big sky
the central spectacle in an elaborate landscape

i am a dandelion, a tumbleweed
pirouetting up, down, round and about
blown by a breath, twirling

i dance to your words
bottled in lilting notes
taken in cups of luxuria by strangers

you wear my roughly sewn burlap
of random ideas and disorganized thoughts
read in the patches and stitches

you are who i want to be with,
if not who i want to be

i am the one who gives sense to you
i magnify you.

you are everything
and i---
i am everything else.

baby steps: the journey to yummyhood. entry #3

on my way to my ninth week now, and amidst the number of downsides in being pregnant, thankfully i have discovered that there are upsides too.

1. i constantly have very pink cheeks (due to the increased blood circulation, i reckon)
2. i always have my way (hubby spoils me a lot)
3. i have bigger boobs (yey!)
4. everyday is an exercise of patience (i can't wait!!!)
5. and that's about it.

the day before yesterday, my husband burst into song, and composed this for our little jellybean:

summer's gone
tell me
where'd you come from
but love
you are all we're waiting for

a space of bliss,
where is?
made from a single kiss
knock knock who's there
beneath this touch?

mommy's waiting for you
the sun is back
go pop the bag
mommy's waiting for you
go hug a thumb
and melt a dad

mommy's waiting for you
knock knock who's there
surprise, surprise...

he was singing me this song when i was about to rest, and i almost cried myself to sleep..

so you think you can dance australia

so demi (the only filipina finalist in so you think you can dance australia) didn't make it. it was such a disappointment and i am so prejudiced that i was prepared to think that she didn't win because she wasn't aussie.

not that the winner didn't deserve it. he did.

but yeah, i'm partial to my fellow country(wo)men.

anyway, just wanted to share what i reckon is the most fantastically breathtaking routine in the entire competition. enjoy.

haruki murakami - blind willow, sleeping woman

i have just finished reading this

and once again, murakami blew my mind away. blind willow, sleeping woman is the third haruki murakami book in my collection; and although i can't say it is my favorite, it still is good.

if only i can master and grasp his writing style, i'd probably stop being a corporate slave and start seriously sitting down and writing my own book. but then again, i think i have yet to find a style that i am comfortable in, and until then, i would have to keep on jotting down my little book ideas in shredded pieces of paper or in mental post-it notes. until then.

baby steps: the journey to yummyhood. entry #2

thank God and thank God for doctors.

i thought this morning all-day sickness was gonna be the death of me. since friday last week up until yesterday, i haven't eaten anything substantial. i couldn't even keep water down. that's how bad it was. but my doctor is great, and gave me something to keep the nausea and vomiting under control. i have started eating yesterday, and i just had spam for brekky. i know, i know it's not really healthy, but i'm craving for it. so shoot me.

the little bub is 7 weeks and 3 days today, and it won't be until the 15th of may that i'd get to see the little bean and hear her heartbeat. (note the deliberate use of the word HER)

i can't wait.

idolizing david cook

after ramiele malubay and michael johns were voted out of american idol, i thought it wouldn't be worth watching anymore. but when i saw this:

oh-em-gee *tremble tremble* david cook! i am starting to heart you!!!

of transparency and hygiene

tristan and i were having a discussion the night before last.

i asked, "if you were a paying customer in a restaurant, do you have the right to demand to see their kitchen?"

he said no.

"but," i argued, "you always have the prerogative to see the conditions where your food is being prepared! you put it in your body, after all."

"i don't think it's being done, love." was his reply.

"if, however..." i stubbornly continued, "... you were denied entry to the kitchen, would you be suspicious?"

he laughed.

baby steps: the journey to yummyhood. entry #1

the usual symptoms indicative of pregnancy --- the frequent need to pee, the dizzy spells, all-day sickness, food cravings and scent aversions --- i embrace them all as part of the little miracle growing within my body.

but nobody, nobody has ever told me about exhaustion!

i've no desire to do anything whatsoever, except make deep indentation marks of my body on the bed, or the couch. i can barely keep my eyes open, and i am usually in bed at 9.30pm. i constantly feel like i have taken medication that suspends me in that moment between daze and wakefulness, that state that makes it dangerous for one to operate heavy machinery (not that i would).

and i can't have coffee.

the cause larger than myself

test #1

03 april 2008, 12:oo noon, AEDST
brand: Clearblue Easy Digital Home Pregnancy Kit
claim: over 99% accurate on day of missed period
--oOo--

test 2

03 april 2008, 2:00pm, AEDST
brand: Confirm
claim: greater than 99% accuracy, test anytime of the day
--oOo--

test 3

03 april 2008, 8:00pm AEDST
brand: Confirm
claim: greater than 99% accuracy, test anytime of the day
--oOo--

test 4

04 april 2008, 8:00am, AEDST
brand: Clearblue Easy Digital Home Pregnancy Kit
claim: over 99% accurate on day of missed period

--oOo--

04 april 2008, 12:15pm AEDST
i was sitting in the waiting room of my obgyn's clinic, anxious.

1:30pm AEDST
i was in dorevich pathology laboratory having blood drawn out of my left arm
was assured that test results will be coming in before 5pm.

4:30pm AEDST
lianne from my doctor's clinic called to tell us that results will be in first thing monday morning

--oOo--

test 5

06 april 2008, 8:00pm AEST
brand: ForeLife Ultra Plus Early Pregnancy Test
claim: has a sensitivity level as low as 10mIU/ml
--oOo--

test 6

07 april 2008, 7:00am AEST
brand: ForeLife Ultra Plus Early Pregnancy Test
claim: has a sensitivity level as low as 10mIU/ml
--oOo--

07 april 2008, 9:28am AEST
spoke to lianne
confirmed positive.

melbourne, yesterday.

yesterday, melbourne was struck by winds traveling around 100-120kph. there was a bit of rain and a bit of hail in some parts, but mostly it was just pure unadulterated gusts of air. at least two had been reported dead, and a lot of suburbs had power outages.

at 1.45pm, there was a blackout in my workplace. and we were sent home. cars were all over the place, with most traffic lights out of order. it took us a while to get home, because speeding up would mean that a draft might pass through under the car and topple us over. and the pounding rain didn't help at all. it was a bit reminiscent of philippine super-typhoon conditions, just a bit worse as there were no high-rise buildings to break wind speed.

it just made me think, no matter how advanced a country may seem, it is nothing compared to force majeure.

maroon 5 concert

sunday evening we watched the maroon 5 concert in rod laver arena. it was great, except for the fact that we weren't able to get tickets earlier, so we ended up sitting in the sidelines. we went with lennie, my college dormmate, and her friend, emmy. also ran into marlon and jackie, and marlon's friend, eric. there. just a random fact.

here are a few photos.

and the best bit of the evening: [click]

the virgin look

"you look like a virgin," was my husband's cheeky comment after he snuck a look at me while driving to work this morning.

eh? what's a virgin supposed to look like anyway?

did that mean i looked innocent?
or
did that mean i appeared ready to be ravished?

i was too sleepy to make a witty comeback so i just let it go. wait till i get home. i'll show him.

there's something about the guitar

after a crappy day at work, it was nice to unwind with newton faulkner on the 1.5-hour drive home. it's hard to describe music without being redundantly repetitive. hehe.

his music in a few words, reminds me of dusk, and the silver glow behind the clouds.

listen. and let me know what you think.

easter monday in 28 frames

easter monday is a public holiday. not maunday thursday, but easter monday. strange as it may seem, i can't be found complaining. another paid day without work, that's good enough for me.

the following would aptly describe what i have witnessed in my day so far.

(larger)

1 country driving, along somerville road going to flinders
2 'bonbons' - hay rolls
3 flinders beach as seen from the main highway
4 aussies love fishing
5 i find unmanned anchored little boats a sad sight
6 tita, me and my husband observing flotsam and jetsam
7 a random blowfish, discarded by a mean fishermen (throw it back if you don't want it!)
8 tita and nick along the boardwalk

(larger)

(larger)

(larger)

1 stopped by for coffee, found a misspelt sign (gluton free! teehee.) pigs not allowed.
2 another interesting sign
3 had to be followed
4 the chocolate shop!
5 mouth-watering little imps
6 the chocolates got the girl --- hook, line and sinker
7 heaven in its raw form
8 the workshop (it smells wonderful, i tell you!)
9 huwaw!
10 huwaw some more
11 master chocolateur at work
12 eye candy (literally)
13 it's 100% chocolate
14 me, buying. (couldn't resist even if it costs an arm!)
15 happy girl!
16 my treasures
17 tristan and nick, waiting for me to choose
18 a rose-shaped plant
19 the rose bush
20 if you love your pets, cut their balls off!

after a 2.5-hour drive, i am now home. the day wasn't so bad. how's yours?

a recipe for a long easter weekend

happy easter, kids!

spending the easter holiday at home wasn't too bad after all. considering that jesus died to save me, so i can spend the rest of my life not worrying about God's wrath for my sins.

months ago, tristan and i were raving about the upcoming easter long weekend and how we're gonna drive to sydney and spend a couple of nights there. then came february and upon initial assessment of our fiscal assets, sydney can't happen. we're still recuperating from the aftershocks of the wedding expenses and bills are just coming in rapid succession, it feels like being hit with an automatic. credit card. car repayment. mobile phones. petrol. insurance. car registration. weekly groceries. fortnightly gym membership. it goes on.

plan B is to drive down to daylesford and just relax. daylesford can't happen either, not without forking out around $1grand for accommodations, petrol and food. and there wouldn't be any point going there if we can't at least have a massage. so we said adios to plan B.

a three-day drive down to sorrento and cape schank was plan C. watching the news on wednesday morning, petrol prices have gone up to $1.60/liter. and that drive will damage us around $250 on petrol alone. and i can't very well pitch a tent and forage in the bush for food. so i said forget it and let's just get domesticated.

thursday night after work we drove to jb hifi and purchased a video game. waking up late on friday, first thing we did was pray and read excerpts from luke, matthew and john about the crucifixion of Christ. that was about the best we can do to observe good friday as the catholic church near home was closed, and we haven't found a church yet. veged on the couch for most of the day then reluctantly drove down to mornington to get fish and chips.


(larger image)

1 tristan, me and jay (backseat drivers)
2 me, tita, nick, john, tahlia, jackson and jay inside yabbie's
3 mornington peninsula town proper on good friday
4 a giant tree and a little me

we then spent the whole saturday playing lost odyssey, and i love it! i would have wanted lesser fight sequences though, as the game tends to drag on because of the number of times kaim and his party runs into enemies. guess that's the retribution for the eight years that was spent to create the game.

and driven by the desire to not have idle hands, i made a sticky date pudding with butterscotch sauce that everyone loved. to quote nick, "lei, without a doubt, this has got to be the best sticky date pudding i've ever had in my life." and he's 51. hah!

sticky date pudding with butterscotch sauce

wanna give it a go? here's the recipe.

sticky date pudding:
1 1/4 cups (200g) seeded dried dates
1 1/4 cups (310ml) boiling water
1 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda (baking powder)
50g butter, chopped
1/2 cup (100g) brown sugar
2 eggs, beaten lightly
1 cup (150g) self-raising flour

butterscotch sauce:
3/4 cup (150g) brown sugar
300ml cream (thickened cream if possible)
80g butter, chopped

preheat oven to moderate (around 180degrees celcius), grease a 20cm cake pan and line the base with baking paper. soak the dates in water and stir in the soda. let stand for 5-8 minutes. if you have a blender, well and good. as you need to blend or process the date mixture with butter and sugar until pureed. if not, good luck. if you have a hand mixer, that will do. just make sure that you wear an apron. learn from my mistakes. add eggs and flour, mix until just combined, then pour the mixture into the pan. reduce heat to 150, then bake uncovered for 1 hour. cover it with foil if the pudding starts to overbrown. let stand for 10 minutes then turn onto a serving plate. serve warm with butterscotch sauce (combine ingredients in a saucepan, stir over low heat until sauce is smooth and slightly thickened) and whipped cream (or vanilla ice cream would be very nice too if you want more pounds in your plate).

that's it, pancit. signing off now, and finding other ways to keep my penny-pinching self amused. may the easter bunny be generous to you.

cooling down with 20 questions

for the sake of increasing awareness that i have a new blogsite (and also for lack of anything interesting to write about), i am posting this 20-question meme.

rules as follows:

remove 1 question from the list of questions below and add in your personal question to make it a total of 20 questions. then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of your post. let them know in their chat box that he/she has been tagged. simple enough?

game.

1.) What was your definition of love 10 years ago? Has it changed over time?

~ i was in my fourth year in uni then, and i was every bit jaded and cynical about love. thankfully, it has made a 180degree turnaround.

2.) What color do you like most?
~ black. because it goes with anything.

3.) If you have the chance, what would you probably say to your beloved one?
~ dream catch me! just listening to newton faulkner and im suffering from LSS. forgive me.

4.) Where is the place that you want to go to the most?
~ right now, someplace cool like the beach. this melbourne heatwave's gonna be the death of me.

5.) Which part of you that you hate the most?
~ my propensity to procrastinate.

6.) When you encounter a sad moment, what would you do?
~ i always bawl.

7.) What are you afraid to lose the most?
~ any loved-one. i have never really been face to face with this kind of loss, so i don't know how i'd handle it. *knocks on wood*

8.) If you win $1 million, what would you do?
~ call my mom. buy a house. go home to the philippines for a bit. put up a business for each of our (hubby's and mine) moms so that they can retire comfortably.

9.) If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
~ this question doesn't have any relevance to my disposition at present.

10.) If you were to get a tattoo, what would it be and where would you have it?

~ i'd have wings on my back.

11.) What are your requirements from your other half ?
~ must be responsible, trustworthy, a lover of life. smart, never boring, child-like, God-fearing, and must love my mom like she was his own. must be hygienic.

12.) Till now, what is the moment that you regret the most?
~ surprisingly, i don't have any regrets. i have what-might-have-beens but that's beside the point.

13.) Which type of person do you hate the most?
~ compulsive liars.

14.) What is your ambition?
~ i just wanna write.

15.) What is the thing that will make you think he/she is bad?
~ when he/she would repeatedly do things to consciously hurt someone else.

16.) What is it that people don’t know about you?
~ that i just love being in the house and doing domestic chores rather than over-achieving.

17.) So far, have you had a life-changing moment? What was it?
~ two years ago, i forgave my dad. and left all my baggage on that dinner table.

18.) Name one of your body part your significant other tells you he/she adores.
~ my husband loves my legs.

19.) What was your new year's resolution for 2008?
~ i didn't really have any. i normally take every day as it comes, and do the best i can each day, except if it's too hot to do anything, of course. like today.

20.) If your better half cheats on you, will you forgive him/her?
~ let's hope that my love won't be tested that way. i will probably forgive him, but i will never forget that he has done that.

whew. what a wet blanket that last question was!

anyhoobaloo, i'm tagging

lesley, reg, kris, larry, sheryl, ace and karen

i have two lines

today's a monday, and i don't have the strength to get up and go to work.

i don't wanna use the clomid as a convenient excuse for laziness, but i am not normally this sluggish. this morning, i had a short bout of dizziness, everything had become blurry, for no apparent reason at all. apart from that, nothing else out of the ordinary.

i've been doing a bit of online research about fertility and i am amazed at the number of sites/fora (forums?) that are out there. and the acronyms they use! gosh. that probably might be one of the reasons why i got dizzy. anyhoo, i am on cd13 (cycle day 13) today, and i am expected to ovulate tomorrow. doctor said i needed to do daily monitoring so i can check whether my LH (leuteinizing hormones, the hormones responsible for releasing eggs) has surged, so i can do the baby dance, which is a silly name used to refer to intercourse.

dragging myself to the toilet, i whisked out my opk (ovulation predictor kit) and to my surprise, i had a faint second line. which MAY mean that i am ovulating. don't wanna get my hopes up until i have the blood test done. and i don't really need stressing these days, have to be as relaxed as possible.

seigfred has been extremely supportive and further adds that i should not be obsessed with conceiving, and just take things in stride as they come. it's just that we've been trying for 8 months now.

on a lighter note, the star track express man has arrived today bearing a gift!

i've been waiting for this delivery for about a week now, and just as i wasn't really expecting it to come today, it's now here! yipee for that.

it's in its gigantic box sitting on our bedroom floor. the latest addition to our collection of tech toys. it's a 29" flat screen super slim TV that i won from work. thank God for career perks eh?

why i am writing this

how long has it been? a year almost since i last deposited ramblings here. just had a very inane impulse to document yet another surge of thoughts.

first off, yes i am already married, and at this point, we're praying and trying to conceive. about a couple of years ago, i have had severe back pain and i've had a battery of tests done when i rushed to the emergency room. urinalysis, fecalysis, blood tests, etc. name it. to the bafflement of the doctors, they couldn't find what was wrong with me. i had an ultrasound done, and the impression was i had polycystic ovaries. eh?

doctor said it was much more common nowadays, and its causes are unknown. she further added that it was no cause for alarm, as these little strings of pearls do normally go away after the first child is born. she said that if the time comes that i want to have a baby, just go to an obgyn and i would then be prescribed hormones to regulate ovulation. it was all gibberish to me at that time, as i was not really in any position to think about conception, babies, even marriage.

but now, obviously, this has to be confronted.

my first australian trip to the obgyn was alright, albeit a bit unpleasant. first off, we live in frankston, which is roundabout 2 hours away from melbourne (where we work, but anyway that's another entry altogether). think of it as batangas in relation to manila. and that's 2 hours at 100kph on the freeway. so, it's kinda... errr... provincial. which means, there's only very few specialty doctors in the vicinity, and i really don't wanna go to a neighboring suburb just to go to the doctor (not unless i really have to, anyway).

so my obgyn is a man. he's a professional, i reason. great, right? and then comes my first visit. which coincides with the day a male intern named ramamurthiharikrishna rao suganthi is assigned to do the initial consultation for the doctor. when he was grilling me with all these absurd questions about my medical history, it was clear to me that he was more nervous about doing the consultation for what was probably his first ever, than i was with what was about to transpire over the next few minutes.

poor bloke, he was. he kept on stammering when he asked me about my menarche, the schedule of my sexual activities (oh boy!), the frequency of my periods et al. it kept me amused, that.

doctor finally entered the clinic where sweaty intern then promptly gave him the gist of what comprised my sexuality. "ah yes, yes hmmm... polycystic ovaries eh? might not be the case. you might not be ovulating regularly though, and that's something that we have to check. so, anytime you're ready, you can strip yourself of your bottom half, put this nasty green sackcloth on, lie on this bit of half a single bed with faux leather and a 2-inch mattress and spread your legs, with feet on the stirrups," dr.obgyn says in one whole breath.

ohhhhkayyyy. *awkward pause*

"come, ramamurthiharikrishna rao suganthi, have a look at this," i heard and at the same time saw the doctor say this over the sackcloth on my knees to a now blushing intern (an indian turning red, imagine that!). "this. vagina. ok? put this bit in... (at this point i was squirming).. i know it's cold, just relax.. and then rotate this screw here *insert sounds of metal objects clanging against each other*... and that is the cervix. see that? now put this other bit in, turn it 360 degrees and just swab the sides to get a bit of a sample from all angles. come on, you can do it.. (and i felt like kicking ramarao)... just breathe and relax, sweetie, it will be over soon. there. then smear it onto this plate just like you would a normal blood sample as if to study the cells." i saw both of them smear what looked like clearish whitish goop on a little glass square thing that's used in microscopes. how horrible was that hey?

whole point is, everything is normal in terms of cells, my blood, and stuff. i just have a high level of progestagen, which hinders me from ovulating regularly. i have now finished my first dose of clomid 100mg. waiting for normal ovulation in 5 days. if that doesn't happen, i would then have to do something else probably. i maybe given an increased dosage, or placed on a new program altogether.

thing with clomid is, it makes me moody. i have hot flushes. i see white stuff swirling in front of me (although im not complaining about this, whee!). but we have yet to find out if it will work.

i made this entry so that you, whoever you are reading this right now, can help me pray for success.

touching base

the downside of being at the bottom of the globe is that when you miss your friends, it's virtually impossible to just grab your car keys and take off to rush to meet up with them. technology is crap.

funny, yesterday, my best friend sent me an sms. i know there is a difference in time zones, but i didn't expect the message to reach me three days after valentine's day. see what i mean about technology?

and talking about delayed reactions, what she said sank in just about a few minutes ago.

i look back at fun memories and realize how fortunate i am to have found someone
who accepts me without question or judgment.

which basically washed me with a warm glow and left my ability to speak out coherent thoughts and my words were just scattered on the ground in a trail following me. it just hit me, how much i miss her.

*****

do we need to feel pain to know passion?

there is an immensely palpable force that can rip me out of this rut i'm in, right here in this moment called now, i just don't wanna touch it with my fingertips. i guess i just enjoy being surrounded by my anger and my pain, i don't wanna leave it. the is-ness of now is overwhelming, that i just allow myself to be flowed downstream.

i justify it by thinking that i need to be and to know the exactness of what is seemingly an infinite moment, so i can begin my struggle later on.

some say life is bipolar. you need to experience one to recognize the other.

i say it's just one smooth flow. passionispain.

first post, new home

so i've been out of it for quite a while. a year to be exact.

and i desperately miss writing. it has just been one whirlwind of a ride, and i've been caught in the middle of the maelstrom. it just doesn't make sense though, why the one thing that makes me thrive is the first thing that i have dropped.

but i am renewing my commitment to blogging.

welcome me back..