and finally, lilly

it was a monday when the doctors told me that i will probably have the baby within the week. i thought it was going to be on the weekend, just in time for mom's arrival from the philippines. i thought wrong.

they started on me on wednesday, which was, incidentally the last time i got to brush my teeth that week. i was wheeled into a birthing suite then the doctor inserted a tampon-like object to dilate the cervix. my body's ultimatum was twelve hours to achieve this.

thursday, they checked my progress. and i was 2cms dilated. great. step two was to manually break my waters. my doctor had a hook-like thing on her finger and she used that to literally pop baby's waterbag. this procedure is so cruel and gory i don't wanna elaborate. but soon as i felt the bag break (so this is how incontinence feels), the contractions began.

oh horrid horrid pain! i don't have the words to describe it. srsly.

three hours into the labour, i begged for an epidural. my midwife explained to me that normally women take steps in pain management, and an epidural was normally the last option. steps schmeps. i wanted that epidural. stat! 

had i known it was that scary, i probably would have had second thoughts about it. good thing i didn't see the needle they inserted in my spine.

i had a ctg monitor strapped on me (this is a machine that monitors baby's heartbeat, movements and the contractions) and minutes after the spinal tap, the contractions worsened, but the pain was gone. i drifted in and out of consciousness.

i was in labour for a total of eight hours, and baby's heartbeat began slowing down with the contractions. the doctors then decided to give me an emergency c-section. more drugs, more high blood pressure medication, more drips, more confusion. two levels down, the operating theatre was being prepared for me, seigfred and lilly. 

at twelve:forty-nine in the morning, lilly soleil dequito was born.  

she is 8 weeks early, tiny at 1440grams, long at 42cms. everybody was pleased with the operation. i didn't lose a lot of blood, and lilly's apgar scores were 9 (at 1 minute) and 9 (at 5 minutes). everything was fine. i only saw her for a few seconds though because they had to bring her to the special care nursery just to make sure that she is given the best care possible, they brought her near for me to give her a quick kiss while they were placing my innards back in and sewing me close. then the baby doctors asked seigfred to come with them to the nursery.

the last thing i remembered was a nurse talking to someone about preparing my room while i was in recovery. and i fell asleep.

the past months have been very gruelling, to say the least. i thought the previous night's ordeal was the climax. i was, again, wrong. i woke up seeing a paediatrician beside me, trying to rouse some consciousness in my hard-beaten, swollen, drugged, tattered body. 

"i'm sorry to tell you that your baby is very sick," were his first words. "she has developed respiratory distress syndrome and she needs some surfactant but we cannot administer it yet because her lungs are bleeding." i was numb, body and emotions. and i could only muster a very stereotypical response, "please do everything you can."

i wanted to rush to the nicu but i was unable to get up from bed because i was still chained to machines. and i was starting to become painfully aware of my wound. the anaesthesia was wearing off. seigfred was asleep on a mattress on the floor, and i asked him to see what was going on with lilly. he returned an hour later, and he broke down. it was my first time to see my husband cry like that. with the strength of character he has demonstrated all the years i have known him, it only took an hour with his daughter to break him. my heart broke as well, i was very scared, but i did not allow myself to fall. i had to give him back some of the strength he has given me, i owe him that. we were praying the whole day, and waiting. it was the longest and most painful wait of my life.

i was off the oxygen tubes and iv drips and whatnots the following day. my mom and cousin have arrived from the philippines and we were on our way to the nicu to see my little baby. and perhaps the hardest part for me was being unprepared to see my most valuable treasure like this, after seeing her healthy and screaming two nights before:

she was on a respirator and had an umbilical line, an iv drip, an oxyen saturation monitor and heartrate/respiratory rate/pulse rate monitor on her. she was also on antibiotics, as a preventive measure for potential infection, being born small and early. the broken pieces of my heart from yesterday's incident broke even more. i felt so helpless. but hopeful.

three days after, i was allowed my first cuddle, kangaroo care, skin to skin. it was a painfully beautiful experience. she still had all those tubes in her, but i was told it was good for her respiration, digestion and overall development. she was off the respirator a couple of days after but she still had a nasal-gastic tube in her nose for feeding. i was expressing breastmilk manually to give to her.

she was transferred to the special care nursery a week after birth, because my little fighter was doing so well. we were establishing breastfeeding during this time, and we were only waiting for her to gain reasonable weight and to attach well to mommy's breasts for her meals.

meanwhile, daddy is excited with the prospect of bringing her to our new home. 

 

after assembling lilly's pram

 

preparing lilly's cot

 

her first christmas tree

three magical days and two sleepless nights ago, we finally brought her home. yesterday a domiciliary nurse came in to check on her and she has gained a whopping 55grams on the two days since she was sent home. we can finally spend as much time with or little miracle as we want, and hold her till our arms ache. she's done well, our little lilly soleil, our sunshine, our princess, our early christmas gift.

daddy's precious cargo, in the hospital lobby before discharge

 

strapped to her car capsule, on her first car ride home

mama lyn and bulillyt

 

daddy's little girl

we love you, bubba.