why i am writing this

how long has it been? a year almost since i last deposited ramblings here. just had a very inane impulse to document yet another surge of thoughts.

first off, yes i am already married, and at this point, we're praying and trying to conceive. about a couple of years ago, i have had severe back pain and i've had a battery of tests done when i rushed to the emergency room. urinalysis, fecalysis, blood tests, etc. name it. to the bafflement of the doctors, they couldn't find what was wrong with me. i had an ultrasound done, and the impression was i had polycystic ovaries. eh?

doctor said it was much more common nowadays, and its causes are unknown. she further added that it was no cause for alarm, as these little strings of pearls do normally go away after the first child is born. she said that if the time comes that i want to have a baby, just go to an obgyn and i would then be prescribed hormones to regulate ovulation. it was all gibberish to me at that time, as i was not really in any position to think about conception, babies, even marriage.

but now, obviously, this has to be confronted.

my first australian trip to the obgyn was alright, albeit a bit unpleasant. first off, we live in frankston, which is roundabout 2 hours away from melbourne (where we work, but anyway that's another entry altogether). think of it as batangas in relation to manila. and that's 2 hours at 100kph on the freeway. so, it's kinda... errr... provincial. which means, there's only very few specialty doctors in the vicinity, and i really don't wanna go to a neighboring suburb just to go to the doctor (not unless i really have to, anyway).

so my obgyn is a man. he's a professional, i reason. great, right? and then comes my first visit. which coincides with the day a male intern named ramamurthiharikrishna rao suganthi is assigned to do the initial consultation for the doctor. when he was grilling me with all these absurd questions about my medical history, it was clear to me that he was more nervous about doing the consultation for what was probably his first ever, than i was with what was about to transpire over the next few minutes.

poor bloke, he was. he kept on stammering when he asked me about my menarche, the schedule of my sexual activities (oh boy!), the frequency of my periods et al. it kept me amused, that.

doctor finally entered the clinic where sweaty intern then promptly gave him the gist of what comprised my sexuality. "ah yes, yes hmmm... polycystic ovaries eh? might not be the case. you might not be ovulating regularly though, and that's something that we have to check. so, anytime you're ready, you can strip yourself of your bottom half, put this nasty green sackcloth on, lie on this bit of half a single bed with faux leather and a 2-inch mattress and spread your legs, with feet on the stirrups," dr.obgyn says in one whole breath.

ohhhhkayyyy. *awkward pause*

"come, ramamurthiharikrishna rao suganthi, have a look at this," i heard and at the same time saw the doctor say this over the sackcloth on my knees to a now blushing intern (an indian turning red, imagine that!). "this. vagina. ok? put this bit in... (at this point i was squirming).. i know it's cold, just relax.. and then rotate this screw here *insert sounds of metal objects clanging against each other*... and that is the cervix. see that? now put this other bit in, turn it 360 degrees and just swab the sides to get a bit of a sample from all angles. come on, you can do it.. (and i felt like kicking ramarao)... just breathe and relax, sweetie, it will be over soon. there. then smear it onto this plate just like you would a normal blood sample as if to study the cells." i saw both of them smear what looked like clearish whitish goop on a little glass square thing that's used in microscopes. how horrible was that hey?

whole point is, everything is normal in terms of cells, my blood, and stuff. i just have a high level of progestagen, which hinders me from ovulating regularly. i have now finished my first dose of clomid 100mg. waiting for normal ovulation in 5 days. if that doesn't happen, i would then have to do something else probably. i maybe given an increased dosage, or placed on a new program altogether.

thing with clomid is, it makes me moody. i have hot flushes. i see white stuff swirling in front of me (although im not complaining about this, whee!). but we have yet to find out if it will work.

i made this entry so that you, whoever you are reading this right now, can help me pray for success.